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DNA All The Way/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here's a tip that'll save you a lot of time and energy come lawn-cutting day -- or lawn-cutting week or lawn-cutting month, whatever your schedule is... Instead of trying to pull start your old lawn mower and end up separating your shoulder and most of your will to live, get yourself a household fan; take the grill off of one side and bend the blades up through at a 45-degree angle. Or a 47-degree angle, or any angle, really. Now you just throw your old, worn out, hard-to-start lawn mower on top, and your days of pull starting are over. [ fan blades whirring ] [ lawn mower starts ] [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] oh, yeah. All right. Okay. All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate that. Big surprise up at the lodge this week. Shaky farnsworth -- kind of an old -- he's an old town drunk, really, is what he is. He passed away. That's not the surprise, though. Turns out the guy's worth a fortune. Nobody knew. Apparently for the last 60 years, shaky has been making donations to the sperm bank for the cash. I mean, it seems like an odd way to make your fortune, but I guess when you find something you're good at... Red! Red! Red! You won't believe it! What? The farnsworth estate. I'm inheriting a piece of yeah, that's right. He has no direct relatives, but the sperm bank says he could be potentially related to hundreds of people around here. Oh, yeah, well, okay, but they're all different mothers, so how do you prove anything? Because they have a dna clinic down at the lawyer's office. They've got a chart of shaky's dna pattern, and I compared mine to it, and it is identical! Gosh, so you're saying your father is not actually your father? Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Well, how much of the cash do you think you're going to get, dalton? Well, it depends on how many people match up. It could be hundreds, you know. You should go down there and get tested yourself. Now, why would I do that? My mother never went out with shaky. Yeah, you see, using a sperm donor to be artificially inseminated isn't technically a date. [ laughter ] besides, you've got nothing to lose. I mean, there's a million bucks up for grabs. Let's go! Well, all right. What do I have to do? You just have to give a few drops of blood. No! No! No! Come on. It'll be fun. It'll be fun. [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If it's humming through the hoses, you're coming up pure roses. If it's squirtin' through the plaster, you're flirtin' with disaster. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] and today's prize is a bottle of dr shott's corn remover and oven cleaner. Okay, red, you have got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, mike, what is nature's most perfect food? A toasted western. Um, all right, think of an expression... Don't cry over spilled... Beans. Okay, mike, homo... [ laughter and applause ] okay, never mind. Never mind. Think bedtime -- different subject. Think bedtime. What do you associate with cookies? Tossing 'em. I know. I know. What do you get from a cow? Attitude. Time's almost up, red. All right, mike, what did your mother give you to drink when you were a little kid? How little? 10 years old. Well, at that age, all she would give me was a light beer. Unless she was mad at me, like when I discovered her with the milkman. There we go! [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here. I offer the best sewage and septic sucking service in the possum lake area. But, hey, don't take my word for it. ( staccato ) I would not trust anyone but winston with my sewage and septic sucking service -- needs. Winston's a real honest guy. He'd never rip you off and charge you for work he didn't do. He's weird like that. So call now. Any service over $100 will receive a free roll of my fashionable bathroom tissue, with my face on every square. So next time you have plumbing problems, I'm easy to reach. Here's looking at you. [ applause ] welcome to 'talking animals' with local animal control officer ed frid. Ed has brought in kind of an unusual animal today, a tasmanian devil. Come on up here. No, no, come on. It's fine. Okay, okay, okay. Um, yes, the tasmanian devil. It's an exotic kind of animal. Um, it, uh, it spins around wildly when disturbed. And, uh, it's a cute animal. But it would just as soon rip your skull off as look at you. Now, I understand they eat fruit, don't they, ed? When they're in a good mood they eat fruit, yes. When they're in a bad mood, they eat whatever made them that way. All right, I've got an apple here. Why don't we give him a treat? Whoa! Whoa, red, they don't like yellow apples. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Geez, he's got a pretty good arm. Yeah, they're all muscle. This one's been scouted by the blue jays. Well, here, let's give him a red one. Maybe I'll just toss this one in, eh? Oh. Oh. Oh. [ glass breaking ] they don't like it when you throw it to them, red. Well, he's gonna fit right in with the jays. Maybe you should feed him one, ed. You feed him one. Yeah -- uh, what? You seem to know everything about them. Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, here I come. Give him an apple. Easy. Easy. Here it comes. Oh, it's fine. No, I think he's okay. Ah! Ah! Ah! He's okay. Yeah, he's okay. [ tasmanian devil belches ] oh, man. Well, he seems to have settled down a little, eh? Yeah, I think he's fine now. Ahhh! [ laughter ] I hope that's apple juice. Every once in awhile it's good to get off the beaten path. Get out to the woods to be by yourself away from all the stupid questions, like from that guy from the department of highways yelling, "hey, were do you think you're going with that fence?" so today on handyman corner, I'm gonna turn this car into an off-road bush buggy. First thing we gotta do is take off these sissy street tires and replace them with these knobby bad boys. [ cracking sound ] now, for some people, putting tires on like that would be enough, but some people aren't me. Suits me fine; suits them even better. So instead, I'm gonna cut up the chain link fence and mount her on there like a big tank tread. I've got these heavy duty tin snips. Cut through this stuff like butter. [ grunting ] frozen butter with a titanium coating. You know, we get the odd comment about the lack of safety on our show, so I'm going to add a little safety feature right at this point as my way of pretending to care. Sometimes when you're bushwhacking, you'll get projectiles coming through the windshield... Rocks, trees, wildlife, that kind of thing. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to wear this dog kennel as a safety cage while I'm driving. It won't be the first time I've been in the dog house. Hold on, I got an idea. All right. All right. Now, I'm just gonna add a little technology to the unit. Something that will allow us to pinpoint our location. It'll be real helpful when we're calling for the rescue vehicles. I'm gonna take this large fire hose wheel and I'm gonna mount that on the roof of the car. I actually swiped this from the fire department, but I don't think they'll mind. It's rainy season. Plus, I left them the hose. I don't need the hose. Once I get this up there, I'm gonna attach a whole bunch of garden hoses mounted end to end. All right, I probably got a couple dozen garden hoses on there. You could go with three or four hun dred, if you wanted to. I just swiped these from the neighbours, but I don't think they'll mind. Like I say, it's rainy season. Just make sure you only use 50-footers. And you take a big marker like this and you number every one of the connections. Then as you're driving, you just let her unwind, and you'll always know exactly where you are within 50 feet. I call it my g.P.S., garden positioning system. ( chuckling ) now we're just about ready to go where no man has gone before. But let me show you something that's really gonna clear a path for me. I've attached a chain saw to one side of the car, and I took a bunch of chains and put them end to end all the way through to that clothesline pulley on the other side. I don't think that bernice will mind that I stole here clothesline, 'cause like I say -- well, you know. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ metal creaking, chain saw whirring ] [ applause ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys out there. You know, by the time you get to our age, you've pretty much seen it, done it, found it, lost it, wrecked it, fixed it, kissed it, missed it, bought it, shot it, stopped it and dropped it. At this point you're thinking, "is that all there is?" the smart answer is yes. Because if you try to make your life better now, you're risking a head-on collision with the law of diminishing returns. This law says that for things to be better the second time around, you gotta work way harder than you did the first time. Does that make sense to you, for a man in your physical and mental condition, to have to work 10 times harder to make your life 5% better? Of course not. Don't rock the boat. Maybe you got a 40-year mortgage and a 30-year marriage, and you're barely meeting your obligations on each of them. Maybe you've got a car that's as old as your adult son, but at least it works. Hey, maybe you'll never be president, but on the bright side, you'll never be president. So don't mess with the law of diminishing returns. The divorce courts and the cardiac care units are full of guys just like you and me, except they fought the law and the law won. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, I had the dna test done. That was no fun. This nurse comes at me with a needle the size of a caulking gun. I tried to get out of there, but she chased after me. She wrestled me to the ground; she puts me in a half-nelson. She didn't look that strong, but a lot of those seniors are wiry. What? Hey, red! Good news, your dna was a match. You're in the money too! Well, how does this -- let me see yours again. These are kinda similar. Oh, my gosh. Similar? They're exactly the same, dalton! That means you and I must be -- identical twins! Hey, guys! I'm a farnsworth. Oh, no. Wait a second. This has gotten way outta hand. If everyone in the possum lake area has the same dna, and we've all been marrying each other -- actually, that explains a lot. You know, I don't care, as long as I get my chunk of the million. Oh, well, some chunk. We're each gonna get 10 bucks, and the dna test cost 15. Yeah, well, I'll get more because I have two shares. Mike, getting tested twice doesn't count. I didn't. This is my dog's chart. [ red muttering ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. When the affair is over the last thing you want is a lingering good-bye. You're out in your backyard, right, repairing your fence. And those cute little jones kids from next door gather around to have a look. It's pretty well right out of a norman rockwell painting. Yeah, or at least it was, until you hammered your thumb about an inch into that fence post. And that's when you treated those cute little pre-school jones kids to the rich tapestry and diversity that is the english language. Yes, and your pithy references to acts that are anatomically impossible and illegal everywhere except california. Yeah, those little jones kids were pretty impressed all right. Maybe even impressed enough to try out some of those words back at the jones' home. And that's gonna lead to a visit from their father, the reverend jones. He is going to ask some very difficult questions. But don't worry. Here's the plan. You go down to the playground where the jones kids and their friends hang out. And you take a tape recorder, right. Then you hide behind a tree and record what the kids say to each other when there's no adults around. You will capture phrases that would blanche a kumquat. And when the reverend comes by to confront you with the gutter language that his little angels have learned from you -- yeah! The tape. You play him he'll recognize the voices. Oh, yeah, he'll hear the call all right. Perhaps those little jones boys will be confined to home for a few days. Yeah, and then you can get back to slamming your fingers and exploring the dictionary. But don't thank us. That's what friends are for! [ applause ] red: Young walter and mike had asked me come -- they're gonna have a contest to see who is the world's strongest man. Just against the two of them, but I had a plaque made up. Looks pretty good. And they're filling the oil drums with water there. And they gotta hold them up over there head. Whoever can hold it up the longest wins. It's a two-parter. This is the first part. There's a second part. I figure these things weigh about 500 pounds. And, like, walter's in pretty good shape, mike is -- he's just there, basically. His ring can slip off his finger either way. Up they go, and look at this. I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe my eyes. And then he starts showing off. Oh, my gosh. Must be a lot of -- [ walter groaning ] no problem. So mike -- I don't know how he did it. Oh, yes, I do. Now, the second part. The big killer. And mike is actually putting some extra bar on his, but they gotta pull the cars by hand. He put the second bar on there, just adds weight. Kind of stupid. One, two, three and away you go. Away they go, and walter's off. Mike's not moving an inch. Oh, I see. I got it, yeah. I see. All right. Oh, okay. Now he's got a problem. But look, he's got more rope! And he's the winner -- [ crash ] but I thought I needed to alter the plaque a little bit and change the "o" to an "a" because that's the world's strangest man right there. Remember when you were a kid and you used to go everywhere on your bike? Now maybe as an adult you'd like to do the same thing. Save a few dollars, or maybe your license has been suspended. The problem is that you're not as suited to bike riding as you used to be. After 20 years of marriage, you've lost a lot of balance. And now maybe your posterior has exceeded the design limitations of the bicycle seat. [ pop ] it's a boy. I know I could go on a diet and start working out and whatever. I prefer it when reality adapts to me rather than the other way around. So get yourself a couple of bikes, a few hockey sticks and a park bench and do a little customizing. [ ringing bicycle bell ] [ applause ] we now come to that portion of the show where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! And, uh, today's letter reads... "dear experts, I am in my second year of high school "and will probably be graduating in a decade or so. "I was wondering if you have any suggestions "as to what line of work I should get into. "signed, no big rush." okay, well, I would recommend that you run a lodge up north. Nobody puts any expectations on you, and you sure can't beat the dress code. Can you make a living at that? Oh, yeah, as long as your wife has a good job. See, I've been in the funeral business for the last 15 years, and it's a hoot. And good coin too, not just in the pockets. Well, you know, it's not just about money, you know. I think that it's important that you do something you enjoy. Oh, so petty theft was a career choice for you, was it? Oh, I'm not recommending it as a lifestyle. That was one of the conditions of my parole. Crime doesn't pay, right, mike? Well, it does, but it's not steady. Okay, well, I recommend that this guy gets himself into one of the growth industries. That's what I liked about the lodge because we get more customers every year. Well, so do we. Yeah, but not really repeat customers, except for shirley maclaine. Well, how's your balance sheet look? Oh, we're doing pretty good. Well, we have an operating capital that's completely self-financed. We have an overall year over year increase in net income, 17% after taxes. And our capital investment has increased the equity quotient of our portfolio holders up to 23% a share. We're doing pretty good. Well, like I say, all I have to do is look at, say, the retirement rate, and I know all those people are gonna come up to the lodge for a couple of weeks, you know, this summer. Well, all I do is check the birthrate about 75 years ago. Let's me know what kind of year I'm gonna have. Well, maybe this kid should combine the two businesses. Have a combination lodge and funeral home. And then you get people coming and going. Well, the mystery has been solved. Shaky farnsworth is not the founding father we were afraid he might be. There was a problem with the dna testing. Not really the testing. It was the containers that had the problem. Somebody stole all the test tubes, which was just a senseless theft. They're almost impossible to fence. [ laughter ] so instead of test tubes, they used lids off of mason jars from the big-boy pickle factory. And I'm talking the extra spicy with mega-crunch. So the deal is that what we ended up testing was the chemical evaluation of pickle juice. And that's why all the tests came out the same. And the fact that shaky was always pickled himself. But the good news is that we got ourselves all re-tested. And we are, in fact, different people. [ applause ] [ possum squealing ] yeah, you guys go ahead. Meeting time. Okay. I'll be right down. Um, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I learned today that if you go fathering children all over town, you're gonna end up in a pickle, and I'm talking the extra spicy with mega-crunch. And the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and whole gang at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] everybody sit down. Sit, sit, sit. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man, but I can change, if have to, I guess. Red: All right, men, we've all had the dna testing done now, and I would just like to say that anyone who can prove that they're not related to me, is welcome at my house any time. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com